Life Sucks....... U can't even Imagine. Losing everything I have . I already lost who I am I guess things are just no biggy.. This is my freebie for the year.. a friend of mine started tattooing . I was his guinea Pig.... But He did a great job I WANT MORE MORE MORE. Life is fucked up and bitter. I will never settle again in my life for anybody or anything . I will always do the right thing for my self and not for everybody else. I will never put my self last ever again .. I have my whole life.. because i was always lead to believe I didn't matter .. fuck all of you from my childhood who fucked me over beat me used me and left me. It fucked up my whole life in relationships and marriages and behaviors. I'm bi polar , Angry and sad. I fucked up but not because I wanted to because i felt I was doing the right thing for everyone else . I'm sorry !! Life goes on we all live to remember the good and bad. It those who choose to remember only the bad who never move on and survive the past . Lessons learned and memories to hold and hide. There is NO normal life ... there is JUST Life.........

Hello Me it's me again.......... One of the few good things in my life right now...My new bike I have lost 43 lbs and it's really Spring now. My Son is busy with Lacrosse tournaments and school and wanting to get his Drivers license. As for everything else I'm doing SO ~ SO have lots of work to do and enjoying the weather and my job greatly. I wont be posting much but i at least owed you all a reason for leaving. I'm just i dunno distant from everything  including myself. Sorry .. I'll try to be a better friend.

Dear LJ,

    Why is it that life is so freaking fucked up. for instance last weekend i got my new motorcycle. it rained all weekend and most of the week . I couldn't ride it besides i had pneumonia too. Thursday the weather was nice and i got to put on about 65 miles. Friday morning was gorgeous and I took the cycle to work. My bosses wife backed over my NEW 2007 Suzuki Hayabusa 1300 R with her BMW X5. $5000 later in damages now to be determined what their insurance company is going to do... Replace it new or what! God Life just sucks sometimes HMMMMM. My insurance company told me motor cycles have a high resale salvage price .They total bikes out at 45 to 50% of the value of the bike cars are 70 %. So I guess wait and see what they say right ? It was a GORGEOUS weekend here 70's and sunny and damn good cycle weather and here I sat doing yard work and picking up dog poop and cleaning out some things in the garage . What did LJ do this weekend?

I have everything ordered and the bike will be in , in two weeks . I got all my gear and ready to prove you don't need wings to fly.......... LOL Is it spring yet !!!  NO seriously I'm VERY anxious and will be very careful indeed., hence all the equipment for a bike that can do 235 MPH  and Ill never see that !  The helmet and jacket just came out as of January of 2007  I love the helmet and gear . I feel a road trip coming on to see Kentucky and xbigjimx

SO............ One of these two bikes will be my warm weather transportation ...... but which one to choose !!!!??? I like them both very much . somewhat comparable in price. One is a SUZUKI HAYABUSA GSX1300R, the other a HONDA CBR1000RR. I LOVE THEM BOTH !!!  SO I thought i would ask  your opinion. If you know about super Bikes it's a given which to choose, but ... I dunno which one so I'm taking a Poll so to speak!


Honda CBR 1000 RR



SUZUKI HAYABUSA GSX 1300 R

Alone,with a picture of my life . On the outside looking in. Tried so hard to change it, but lost the person I had been. Dreams haunting me at night. Crossroads that never lead home. Fates intertwine and secrets unravel.
The farther I run The more I recall. Something inside me is seeking it all. Lightning around me. Thunder in my dreams. Looking for  the hope for everything I mean. In my dreams of life and death,there is so much I forget. So deep as they go hollow and dry. I promise to keep my eyes to the sky. I want to be completed , but  then something in me disappears. When I get uncovered it only leads to fear...So when the darkness falls like a curtain and the night ahead is long and uncertain. I will learn to dream beyond my loss and  fears in hope of redemption.

So now I go to close my eyes at my ragged edge of silence .To find a calm that only comes with the exhaustion of the unforgiving visions that deny me dreams of new. Dreams that take me past the lonely truth and let me go beyond my skin. Walls that held me there before let me enter in.breaking me from my injured past I  want to leave a life behind me and feel myself begin.

What Is Wrong With This Picture...... this is approx 25 feet up......

well it was hung up in another tree.... I stood on the end of the grapple on the skid steer and cut it  then we pulled it out with a cable and tractor... I plyaed in the woods all day today cutting trees. It was fun damn I need more days like today.. NOw for the prettiest picture of all... MY RIDEShe sure is puuuurty

Unravel me
untie this chord
the very center of our union
is caving in
I can't endure
I am the archive of our failure
And all I feel is black and white
and I'm wound up small and tight
and I don't know who I am

Ashley got a new Electric guitar for X~mas . I was showing her a few chords the other day and she is picking it up well
Happy New Year Everyone
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There's a place where fear won't find you, Where your secret dreams remind you, This is all you have to know and
This is all you have to go on. Everything you have inside you, Everything you need to guide you....Never knowing who or what you are until you're Living with the unfamiliar....

For all who have offered their advice and help I thank you . Getting help  might not be an answer but dealing with it on my own is what i know best. This is just something bigger then i ever imagined it could be. Questioning my whole existence is far too much drama then I want it to be and making it public is the worst i could have done. Judge me if you will but don't please don't ever underestimate the truth underneath the dark places inside us all. We move along in life so often along a path that is not always the one we SHOULD be on. Finding that path and clearing the way ahead is the hard part... what you leave behind or take with you is the hardest choice and making the journey is the hardest job.... but every challenge has paradise behind it

So I had a dream of a loud knocking on my closet door . When I opened it there was a white wolf and a White crow. They both spoke of my past awakening, and of the awakening I'm having now.  Does anybody know what this means? I looked up the knocking and  wolf and crow in dream symbols but what about them being white not just the animal.  I know I'm fucking nuts and feeling closer to totally mental now but i snese and feel things and dunno how to put it all together

With all the never changing parts of me and all the things unknown of me. I have found I am addicted to Tattoos. !!! Last night I went to get an addition of my never ending love for pain and art and inner struggle of becoming something I feel internally. How is this ink a refelction of me ... Can't put it into words other then the points and bends and blocks of ink all have a direction of blending into somehting else later and becoming a giant piece of a larger story in time. If that makes any sense. This is  the  horoscope sign of cancer which I am ,being born on June 25 .



I have to tell you I can take pain. I did take it it wasn't too bad really but it did HURT like a MOTHERFUCKER. The lowest part wasn't bad. The back of the skull and the sides of the neck were True HELL ! Plus the neck bleeds and then dilutes the ink so ya have to go over it several tiems to get the ink to fill right.. so he told me !  This is the first step to having my shoulders done later on to blend the neck and arms in  with more tribal and down the center of the back..... all in time of course. I think that was enough self torture for a while. I know I'm a big woos but  Like the guy told me last night most people he has done had to come back and do them in 2 or 3 sittings casue they couldn't handle it. It was 3 and a half hours last night and my son Logan sat and watched and even held my hand at one time. That was after I blew out the stress ball I was sqeezing in my hand and had  that oozed all over the place as it exploded in my hand. Ben My attoo man gave me some great ideas for  the back of my shoulders that sounded and would look Great to blend in with all I already have! But it will be much bolder design wider blocks and lines he says my shoulder and back are to big to use  the smaller lines and pieces he has designed for me. It will blend smaller and get more bold as it goes down the back of the shoulder and center of my back... But that won't be for a long while now ! For the record.... Thats not a 69 symbol ... its the cancer sign

K I'm outta here....................

I don't know how to make anyone understand. I can't bring it to words . Lost is how I feel . Hurting everyone else is not what I want on my conscious. I have weighed the costs, and the results are going to be hard to live with. I just can't do it for everyone else. I just need to do it for me. Selfish ? most likely but not for selfish reasons. If that makes any sense. Love has many levels and I guess I have never felt the real thing in my life. My own fault or the fault of my years of chaotic upbringing of abuse and abandonment and failure after failure of trying to be somehting I never could really become. Kind of to the effect that everything I was never was my choice. Another thing hard to explain. Somethng in me after all this time has realized I have never opened myself up fully to anyone. The secrets I hold inside ,and the me I have never let anyone see. Nobody !

Time and lifes unfortunate events that occur along our paths lead us to find ourselves in a way we never have seen oursleves. It's not somehting that just happenes over night ! It's something we feel and see coming on slowly and try to figure out, BUT one day it hits us so hard that we are in a whole new state of mind and understanding of ourselves. The lack of one thing in our life brings the search for it in other forms. Vague .. yes for a reason. sometimes our hearts just let go and we just don't know it till the very final stage then the mind tells us we had enough. No blame or pointing fingers.. just  the heart needing more. Not so much something or someone else but  to open up to yourself in search for what you never understood. I have kept my heart out on it's own yet gone along with life . I have never come to know what it was I needed that has kept me so hidden. I have never wanted anything.. I NEED....... things I can't explain. or maybe its that no one will understand it . To understand it will take an open mind to stand in my shoes for a brief time to look in and feel it !

This is not cryptic  this is me tryng to explain... and it never comes out in any kind of sense. I hope I have not lost any friends from all of this and I know it's hard. And if you feel like you have to walk away from me I understand that too! Just know I never had any internsions of hurting anyone! I do love my wife.....Just not like it should be . it's not her fault it's mine..... I can't fix it I have tried over the years and ...... I should of let her know maybe then it could of been fixed maybe? It wasn't all a lie hun! I just wanted to take care of all of you.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away.

Sometimers in our lives we are at places personally that creates confussion of where we have been and who we are then and now. NOT that we grow apart from who we are with ,we just grow different wiithin ourselves sometimes finding things in us that just can't let us be who we used to be or feel like we did. It's not someones fault or anything somoeone did. It's just inside. . Demons that haught us from our past  thoughts of becoming more then who you already are.  Is it selfishness if you want to feel better about yourself and who you are ? it's hard to judge peoples situations if your not in their shoes living in their now or past...Comfort sets in over time but realiztions of who you are or have now become start to wear on your mind. Wondering if you did the right thing in the beggining . Love has so many values and levels and I have never really known the whole value and levels in it.  I have come to learn that I'm a care taker and a very deep feeling person but never have loved like I should. I have always kept a wall up and never let anyone past it. It was an easy thing to do  but now there are so many people involved in it that I feel extra guilty for wanting what I want. NOT that I don't love them ... I do  ! Just not the way it should be. does that make sense? I can't even make sense of it sometimes, but something inside me wants to just be away.  We have come so far but only in the stands of everyday life matarial things and ventures. Love is there but not like it should be for the situation. I just waned to take care of everyone and make a family out of broken bits and pieces of our lives. Turn life around for us all and start fresh and clean and new. I never lead with my heart just my mind and feeling of doing the right thing. Life was never bad. Struggle was always present but  was always surface things every day living things.

I don't know how to do this and make everyone happy too. The word Selfishness runs through my mind over and over again, beats me up and makes me crawl deeper within myself and becoming even more numb to thoise aorund me. I'm lost withing myself , but am found in a new realm of who I REALLY am inside too. Different and more intune of what i ahve become and where I was to where I am now. Unfortunately I have not let the rest of everyone else in on that journey  and learning I have discovered about myself.

I wasn't going to share any of this here , but I wanted to let you know why I have been away and becoming distant. I feel guilty and I have let so many people down in my life, BUT I have let myself down more then anyt

Trick Or Treat..................... BOO !!!!!!

Man It has been a long time since I have posted here!  clears the cobwebs and takes a broom to this place.... Howz U All Doin !

I'm doing well........ here is proof :)


SO what did everyone dress up as... I seekcat2000 had her best on this hollows eve... my my :)  SO many of you dressed up your pets and kiddies it's fun to cruise photos on LJ :)

And i was a very bad boy for missing winevixen Birthday............ Happy belated B~day hun :) hope it was swell :X

Ok  I'm outta here ! Peace Out !

Gizmoproject for LJ Talk.......... hmm have it loaded and no one is on or sighend up for it...dogpackleader is Idle but sent him amessage  maybe thsi thing doesnt work? could be fun? I dunno or just another fad ? oh well

Kitchen got pained and all new cover plates for the outlets and light switches. 9 outlets, 3 triple switches ,1 double switch, 2 single switches, a blank , and 2 EFI. I replaced them all with oak and finished and stained them. I got them all replaced now. Also swapped out the cold air exchange covers with oak vents and the floor vents with oak vents too. LOOK PUURTY ! It was a bitch painint with 2 dislocated ribs but we got it done.  It seems when i start a project I just get all hyper to keep going. I was sore as hell today and going back to Dr. tomorrow to find out about how it's healing. I can do things  but I pay for it in the hurt afterwards. I htink I'll take a few more days off work to heal up . I always do too much at one time I want this to heal right. I'll have to take it easy for a while. NO more throwing 160 lb pumps around to pump out  the minnow ponds and dragging 200 feet of 2 inche house around for the discharge end of the pump. I ahve 2 minnow ponds to sein yet befoer the snow flies. I ahve tons of winterizing to do too . and almost 3000 feet of snow fence to get out and set.  grrrr those rolls are tough to handle on yuor own. I'm just one guy and my boss thinks nothing of  me doing thsi all alone. ... oh well guess next year is going to be really hard on his bank account casue no way in Hell am I working for the pay i'm getting doing what I'm doing alone. I got a big riase thsi year but next year it better be what I want ! not what I settled for !

So after a project I organized for my boss last friday getting everything ordered and deliverd that day. I get this phone call that night saying I wouldn't need to come and help. I guess My boss and his wife were fighting over the money on this project . I guess i get paid too much to help . SO they had family and friends help. This project would of taken 2 days tops to do. It took 4. I came to work monday only to find out they needed me to help finish and fix the project. Seems the people helping were lazy  had alck of knowledge of what they were doing and were just to disorganized to get it all done right. NO I'm not saying I'm Good, I'm just saying it cost more after the fact then just to have me help do it to begin with. SO I spent all day Monday and Tuesday fixing recutting block and finishing off the final touches of the seeding and dirt removal and edging.
Now after a month of big projects one after the other alone. My back has been feeling the pain. Yetsrday after finishing this project i go to set a pump for  one of my minnow ponds to pump down for seining and um really felt the hurt in my back. Today i found out i ahve 2 dislocated ribs. was wondering why it hurt but not really in my back but the back of my ribs along my verts. Never knew ya could do that? Called my boss tod him what was up. He was pissy. WELL HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET SUCH AND SUCH DONE NOW!?? I say well I didnt claim it as a WORK COMP Accident so ya should be less worried about the projects. He was a fucking ass about it ! GRRR ! so muscle relaxants and Pain meds I could give a shit what anyone thinks right now ! but I have to say this porject worked out nice. Seems I always have to fix FUCK UPS for him there. This job should fo taken no longer that 2 days with 2 guys who knew what the hell they were doing... GRRR !

Why is dark out in the mornings now???? HUH? why? tell me why does it ahve to be that way. I miss getting up to sunshine and birds singing in the morning. Oh I know some of you smart asses will just say sleep later till the sun is up ...DUH ! that would be cool but, UM no can do. I just realized thsi morning even though I love fall so much. I really love summer mornings of the sun being up VERY early and the birds singing out back !


ANYWAY.. have a great day Indian summer is here!  By The Way why do they call it indian summer ?

being a post whore tonight...... I figured what better way to end the night then with a new user Icon... instead of scratch and sniff its lick and taste time :P Hmmm what flavor do ya think this is? LOL >:) damn so many bad commnets im going to get but oh well it's all in fun :D  damn this is too funny !